


Bachelors out of their depths

by Lakritzwolf



Category: Being Human (UK), The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: Babies, Bachelors out of their depths, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:26:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6583093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Spring Fandom Raffle Exchange on tumblr. Prompt 64: Unexpected Babysitting.</p>
<hr/>
            </blockquote>





	Bachelors out of their depths

“For god’s sake, Dawn...”

Dawn put the car seat down right next to the enormous bag. 

“Anders...” She ran both hands through her hair and honestly, Anders had never seen her so frazzled. Understandably, in her situation but still... “Anders, please.” She knelt down and opened the bag.  
“Why me of all people?”

After unclasping the safety belts, Dawn looked up at him. “Because Mike has a bar and is serving beer at this time of day, Michelle works the night shift at the hospital, and Axl is at a party. My family lives in Christchurch and in Wellington.” She straightened up with the baby in her arms. 

“That leaves you or Olaf.” She held Ruby out to Anders who gingerly took the baby and held her, his hands in her armpits and at arm’s length, as if she was a dangerous explosive. 

Dawn unpacked a few items and threw them on the kitchen counter. “Here... Diapers and wet wipes, and a burp rag just in case. Here’s the bottle with formula, and these...” She put two thermos bottles down next to the bottle. “Boiled hot water and boiled cooled water. It’s about two to one. If she gets hungry. But actually she should fall asleep again, so you should be fine.”  
“We’ll manage.” Mitchell emerged from the bedroom, adjusting the waistband of his sweatpants. “Won’t we?” He gave Anders his brightest smile.

Anders eyeballed the baby as if he was still expecting her to explode.

“Really, I know this is inconvenient, and I could think of better things to do as well than having to see my husband in the ER because some asshole didn’t see a red light.” Again, Dawn ran both hands through her hair. “Thank you.”  
“You’re...” Anders began hesitantly, but she was already closing the door behind her. “...welcome?”

Anders gave Mitchell a helpless look. “Mitch... help me.”  
Mitchell grinned and swept the baby up in his arms as if he had handled babies for all of his life. “Hello princess,” he crooned.  
Looking as if he had to resist wiping his hands on his trousers Anders headed for the sofa and fell down. 

“Fuck.”  
“What?”  
“I had other plans for the night.”  
“Oh come on.” Mitchell sat down next to him, Ruby cradled in his arms. “This is an emergency.”  
“So is my dick.”  
“Anders...”

They both looked down at Ruby who was blowing spit bubbles. 

“Right.” Mitchell smiled down at her. “I think you should go to sleep again.”  
Ruby frowned. “Bwww.”  
“I guess that means you want to stay up with us.” Mitchell’s grin widened. “But it’s after ten. Little babies have to sleep.”  
“Gleb.”  
“The answer is still no.”

Ruby seemed greatly displeased with the turn of events. 

“Oh no, nonononono...” Mitchell started rocking her. “No need to cry, right?”  
“I guess it’s because she can’t hear her Mummy anymore.”  
“Maybe.” Mitchell rocked her a little faster.  
“Is she hungry?”

Mitchell and Anders exchanged a helpless look.

With a fatalistic sigh, Anders got up and tried to remember Dawn’s instructions regarding the bottle. She hadn’t said how much two to one was. Was he supposed to fill the bottle up or...? He held it up, and saw a few pitch lines. He unscrewed the top and took a deep breath. 

On the sofa, Mitchell, in despair, tried singing Irish ballads. Ruby raised her voice as well.

“I think you’re making it worse, Mitch.” Tongue poking out, Anders tried to gauge the amount of liquid he was adding.  
“Doing my best! Oh come on, princess. You’re fine. Uncle John and Uncle Andy take good care of you.”  
“If you call me that again, you’re sleeping on the sofa for the rest of the month,” Anders called from the kitchen.

Anders eyed the bottle. He was vaguely aware that he was supposed to shake it, so he pressed the palm of his hand over the opening and shook it vigorously. The temperature seemed right, about hand warm, so he rinsed his hand under the tap and screwed the teat back on. Bottle in hand he hurried back to the sofa and Mitchell hastily took it. 

Ruby chomped down on the teat and started sucking furiously. Nothing happened.

“What?” Anders ran both hands through his hair.  
Rube began to fuss and whine as she sucked and nothing happened.  
“What did I do wrong?”  
“I have no idea.” Mitchell eyed the bottle and the teat. “It’s... shouldn’t there be milk coming out of that?”  
Anders shrugged while emitting a brainless huffing sound.  
“Hang on, is there a lid on that?”

Mitchell handed the bottle to Anders who winced at the wails of despair battering his eardrums and screwed the teat off. There was indeed a lid sitting inside, and cursing under his breath he took it out and screwed the teat back on. He handed the bottle back and Mitchell managed to insert tab A into slot B within two seconds. Both of them slumped in relief at the sudden silence. 

But when it rains, it pours. 

Ruby had just about finished her bottle and after burping over Mitchell’s T-shirt, pulled a face and farted. 

“Oh god no...” Anders took a step back.

Ruby farted again. It was a markedly wet sound. 

Mitchell craned his neck and looked at the baby gnawing on a fold of his shirt. “You don’t mean that, do you?”  
Ruby, face scrunched up in deep concentration, farted like a bison.

Mitchell looked up at Anders. The latter took a step back and lifted both hands defensively. 

“Forget it, Mitch. I’m not doing that.”  
“Anders...”  
“No.” Anders crossed his arms. “No way in hell. You’re the one working in a hospital, you’re used to handling bodily excretions that aren’t your own. I’m not doing that. Period.”

Mitchell sighed in defeat, got up and grabbed a fresh diaper and the pack of wipes. Equipped with those and the baby he vanished into the bathroom while Anders eyed the sofa. Mitchell’s shirt however had born the brunt of the spit-up milk, and his sofa had been spared. 

Now freshly cleaned, Ruby had apparently decided that sleeping is for losers and that partying alone is boring. 

“We could try and give her some vodka.”  
“Anders!”  
“Beer?”  
“Fuck off!”  
“Gladly!”  
“ANDERS!”

Anders slammed the bedroom door shut with a groan. He counted to ten, and opened it again. When he sat down next to Mitchell again, he shrugged apologetically. 

“Here, can you hold her for a bit? My arm starts to cramp.”  
“Why don’t you put her down?”

Mitchell put her down on the sofa. The subsequent scream made him pick her up again in an instant. 

“Anders, please. I’ve fed her, changed her, and carried her around for hours now. Your turn.” Mitchell yawned so hard his jaw cracked.

Anders sighed, closed his eyes and held out his arms. And since Ruby liked it better when she was upright, he rested her head on his shoulder. Ruby, immediately noticing the absence of a burp rag, saw the opportunity and seized it. Anders yelped in disgust when he felt something warm trickle down his back and almost threw the baby back at Mitchell before tearing off his shirt as if it was burning him. 

Poor little Ruby, almost scared out of her skin, began to scream in earnest now. 

“Anders, you bloody idiot!”  
“She puked on me!”  
“You almost dropped her!”  
“She fucking puked on me!”

Mitchell thrust the screaming baby back at Anders.

“I’ve had it up to here! Now you take her, no excuses!”

Anders took her, eyes closed, and waited for the hammer to fall as he settled her on his left arm. 

Ruby nuzzled the skin on his shoulder, emitted a deep, deep sigh, and began to visibly calm down. 

“What.” Anders looked down. “The.” He looked up at Mitchell. “Fuck?”  
Mitchell smiled softly and shook his head. “Skin contact. She feels you, hears your heartbeat...”  
“For fuck’s sake.” Anders’s voice was the tiniest bit unsteady. “I think I threw up a little in my mouth right now.”

Ruby sighed, and one of her tiny little hands opened and closed, softly tugging at a few of Anders’s chest hairs. 

“Mitchell...” He whispered, not daring to disturb her. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”  
“Keep calm and sit down.” Mitchell picked up a blanket and draped it around Anders’s shoulders.  
Anders sat and Ruby sighed, buried her face into the crook of Anders neck and began to fall asleep.

Leaning back into the sofa Anders gulped down some air. Mitchell wrapped both of them in the blanket. 

The next time he looked, to offer Anders a cup of tea, both of them had fallen asleep. Mitchell was tempted to take a picture of Anders sleeping with a baby on his bare chest, but he knew Anders would have his hide for that. So he sat down with a smile and sipped his tea while committing the picture to memory. 

The sky was just lighting up with the first grey of daylight when Mitchell heard a knock at the door. Dawn came in, looking tired but decidedly less worried. Mitchell pressed a finger to his lips and showed her the utterly toothrottingly sweet scene of Anders and Ruby on the sofa, snoring in peaceful companionship. In a whisper, he told Dawn about the problems they had getting her to sleep.

Dawn blinked a few times with a frown. “Why didn’t you give her the pacifier?”

Mitchell followed her eyes towards the car seat, and the chain of cheerfully colourful wooden beads with a pacifier attached to it.


End file.
